As a parent you can help your child develop self motivation and confidence in themselves. When children are young, they learn habits that last a lifetime based on what is rewarding to them. As a parent, you can make a positive difference for your child and reduce his or her struggles later in school and life when demands become more challenging.

But it is never too late. If you are the parent of a teenager, apply this skill with them as well. Confidence is important at any age.

The key to motivating children to succeed is to recognize their effort and the process they put in to studying, athletics, and so on. Recognizing the results of children’s efforts is commonplace but it is risky because it can develop a shaky type of confidence.

If you only reward results (An A on a paper, winning the soccer game, producing a skillful drawing), kids think, “What if I don’t do great next time, will they still be proud of me?” This actually makes them more nervous than confident. It can contribute to perfectionism or the need to do things just right.

If anxiety runs in the family or your child appears to have signs of anxiety, you want to be especially careful not to focus too much on end results.

If, for example, your child’s teacher tells you that he doesn’t speak up in class, make an effort chart. Give an age-appropriate reward (sticker, etc.) for each time he speaks up. If he’s afraid of saying something wrong, give a double reward if he does, and help him to see that he can handle the risk of saying something wrong.

If your child stands by the side at a playground or a party, reward any effort to immerse herself in the situation. Maybe the first time she just moves in towards the group. Maybe be the third time she asks someone to play. Maybe by the fifth time she actually leads an activity or shares a story in front of a group.

Confident kids result when parents focus on and reward the process rather than the destination. Kids then think, “Hey, I can figure this out,” and underlying this thought is the feeling, “And even if I don’t, it’s okay.” This takes off the pressure to excel, freeing them to explore and play, and making success even more likely.