A Powerful Way to Build Your Child’s Self Motivation and Confidence: Allow Natural Rewards

June 7th, 2011

Many parents believe that the best way to reward their children is to give them their favorite toy, food, or money. While these rewards can certainly be appropriate, relying on them (especially with young children) can be detrimental.

For example, paying children for grades is common. This can be a problem because the focus is placed on the outcome rather than the process. A focus on the process and efforts actually boosts confidence because it shows children that success is about much more than natural ability.

Additionally, research has shown that adding external reinforcement reduces intrinsic motivation to learn. Intrinsic motivation is our innate or inborn drive to do our best. This means that children naturally feel rewarded with a sense of mastery when they accomplish challenging tasks. Tasks of moderate levels of challenge (an average of 4 out of 5 if 5 is the most difficult) have been shown to be the most naturally rewarding to kids.

If children are rewarded with external items (candy, money), their natural sense of accomplishment and motivation actually decrease. They become more reliant on external sources of reward and their self motivation is thwarted.

So, what’s the best thing that you can do?

Praise your child for his or her efforts and the process and approach they took to solve a problem. If their solution didn’t work, discuss alternative options with them, again focusing on the process.

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Focus on Efforts to Build Your Child’s Self Confidence and Motivation

May 25th, 2011

There is much debate about whether we can actually motivate others to thrive. Can we really motivate our employees? Is it possible to positively influence coworkers? Can we help others to build confidence in themselves? Can we instill self-motivation in our children?

There is not a clear-cut answer to these questions, but the majority of research points to the answer: Yes!

As a parent, you can certainly help your children to develop self motivation and confidence in themselves. When children are young, they learn habits that last a lifetime based on what is rewarding to them. As a parent, you can make a positive difference for your child and reduce his or her struggles later in school and life when demands become more challenging.

The key to motivating children to succeed is to recognize their effort and the process they put in to studying, athletics, and so on. Recognizing the results of children’s efforts is commonplace but it is risky because it can develop a shaky type of confidence.

If you only reward results (An A on a paper, winning the soccer game, producing a skillful drawing), kids think, “What if I don’t do great next time, will they still be proud of me?” This actually makes them more nervous than confident. It can contribute to perfectionism or the need to do things just right. If anxiety runs in the family or your child appears to have signs of anxiety, you want to be especially careful not to focus too much on end results.

Confident kids result when parents focus on and reward the process rather than the destination. Kids then think, “Hey, I can figure this out,” and underlying this thought is the feeling, “And even if I don’t, it’s okay.” This takes off the pressure to excel, freeing them to explore and play, and making success even more likely.

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How Other People Can Make You a Better Speaker

May 18th, 2011

You might think that getting better at public speaking is all up to you. After all, you’re the one who needs to get up there and talk. In reality, however, if you don’t get assistance, it will be difficult to gain confidence in your public speaking abilities and hone your presentation skills.

Others can offer you a great deal of valuable guidance and support as a speaker. I always say, “Why do alone what you can do with more fun and less effort with others?” I believe this idea holds true for professional speaking.

Preparing and practicing are typically not much fun, but with the right support they can be enjoyable and productive. Performing can be highly nerve-wracking. Relying on others can take away some of the anxiety and stress. And finally if you’re prone to post-presentation self-criticism, look to the feedback of others to evaluate your performance, rather than relying on your harsh self analysis.

Here are some more specific tips for how to get help with the three P’s of power presentations:

Preparation

•    Ask the meeting planner or whoever coordinates your presentation about the set-up of the room, and who will support you with technology so you don’t need to worry about those things.
•    Rehearse in front of some colleagues and friends and ask them for feedback, including what you did well.
•    If you feel you do better with two people presenting, ask if you can get a co-presenter.
•    Collect information about your audience. The more that you know and can help them, the more they will help you during your talk by giving you supportive, positive energy.
•    Let the key people in your life know that you are embarking on something challenging, and let them know how they can help you reduce stress in other areas of life.

Performance

•    Make sure your audience is with you by asking questions and getting them involved.
•    Assign someone in the audience to help out in case of technical failure or to let you know when you need to wrap up.
•    Use other people’s humor. If you’re not great at telling jokes and using humor, tell stories or use cartoons or images that other people have developed. Just make sure it fits your style.

Post-Presentation

•    Collect detailed feedback, and build your confidence by focusing on what you did well.
•    Meet your audience members by announcing that you will stay around after your presentation.
•    If you start doing a post-mortem (telling yourself everything you did wrong), this is not helpful.  Get engaged in a conversation.
•    Go out to celebrate with someone you enjoy spending time with. You did something difficult and deserve a reward!

Getting support can be challenging. It’s often hard to ask for help and rely on others. When, however, you do, you’ll see that it’s definitely worth it. With the right support from friends, coaches, colleagues, or others, you will find a dramatic increase in your speaking abilities and confidence. Enjoy!

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4 Fun Ways to Boost Confidence

May 4th, 2011

We naturally focus on all the things we do wrong. We do this under the guise of “constructive criticism,” but mostly it’s just criticism. And it will reduce self-confidence. Instead, turn your attention to what you do well. This will improve self-confidence. Here are four fun ways to do this:

1.    Play the Confidence-Boosting Game. Begin a list by writing down one thing that you feel you did exceptionally well that day. Then begin the game with yourself by each day adding at least one more item to your list. Your first day would have one observation, second day has two observations, third day has three. See how many days you can go and once you can’t build further on your list, begin the game again.

2.    Hold Court. When you notice a confidence-reducing thought go through your mind, don’t accept it at face value. Instead play the judge and the jury and ask yourself, “What is the evidence that this thought is true?” Build a case for and against the self-defeating statement, evaluate the evidence. You’ll probably find that the thought is not true. Replace it with a more accurate statement that may increase self-confidence.

3.    Buddy Up. This can be a friend or a co-worker. Commit to sending each other emails or notes or verbally telling one another a couple spectacular things about the other one each week. For maximum impact, make your comments very specific and clear, like, “You presented yourself with poise and assertion when you made the comment in the meeting this morning.”

4.    Complete Mission Impossible. The best way to build confidence is to do the things you think you can’t do. Make a list of all the things you’d love to do or accomplish but worry that you cannot. For each item, write down five specific steps you can take to begin accomplishing the objective. Pick the item on your list that is the most motivating and exciting for you and begin with step one TODAY.

In addition to boosting confidence, you’ll probably also notice that your mood and your energy improve. Have fun!

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Is Self Confidence Learned or Inborn? Part 2 – What You Can Do

April 6th, 2011

Now that I’ve presented this side (Part 1), I’d like to share how even those primarily heritable factors can in fact be influenced by your actions. If the aspects of confidence that are more genetically based can be modified, then imagine how much control you have over ALL the aspects of confidence which are less inborn.

•    Attractiveness. Obviously you cannot change your facial proportions (without plastic surgery of course), but there is a lot that you can do to influence your attractiveness factor. Women can learn how to apply makeup to flatter their features. A great hair cut does wonders for both men and women. Learning what colors look good on you can brighten up your face. Facial expression (the art of body language which can be learned) makes a huge difference…

•   Height. Okay, before you think I’m crazy, I realize that you cannot literally make yourself taller. I wish we could. However, body posture has a dramatic impact on our perception of height. You want to think both in terms of height (standing tall) and space. People who have power take up more space with open body posture. Practice keeping your shoulders back, your neck stretched up from the base, and chin very slightly raised. Clothing and shoes can also make you appear taller.

•    Intelligence. Studies of genetic intelligence measure general intellectual abilities. Studies on emotional intelligence, on the other hand, show that it is primarily learned. Emotional intelligence has recently been shown in scientific research to have dramatic impact on confidence and success, perhaps even more so in today’s world than general IQ.

•    Extroversion. It is unlikely that an extreme introvert will turn into an extreme extrovert, but you can learn conversational skills and other interpersonal skills to be more extroverted in various situations. Also, you don’t HAVE to be extroverted to be confident. I recommend that introverts see their introversion as a strength and use their natural abilities to think introspectively, be self aware, listen to their intuition, and connect with people on a deep level to build confidence. These are all emotional intelligence skills, and in fact, self awareness is arguably the most important emotional intelligence skill.

And the most important thing you can do:

Take on Challenges. Prove to yourself that you can do more than you thought possible and your confidence will skyrocket. Learn my 6-step GROWTH formula for how to do this in The Confident Leader.

So, are you destined to your current confidence quotient?

Absolutely not. Start changing even one of these things and you’re likely to see a major shift in your confidence level.

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Is Self Confidence Learned or Inborn?

March 24th, 2011

I’ve been asked a lot of questions lately about confidence and whether people can really learn to be more confident or if it’s an inborn trait. Of course I believe and research indicates that it’s primarily learned (or I wouldn’t have written a book on it), and that anyone can be a confident leader in their careers and lives.

But to present the other side, there are several characteristics that are heritable (inborn or genetic) that can help people to feel more confident. I will share the inborn traits today and the things you can influence in the next post.
Inborn characteristics which enhance confidence include:

•    Attractiveness. Attractive people tend to feel more self-confident. Cross-cultural studies have found that humans respond to certain aspects of facial features, such as symmetry, as being attractive. Perception of body characteristics (such as overall weight, waist to hip ratio) vary more across cultures in terms of what people find attractive, although in most western cultures waist to hip ratio in women is a strong predictor of the perception of attractiveness.

•    Height. Studies in the U.S. have shown that most CEOs are above average height. Height is associated with power which is associated with self confidence. Height is primarily genetically determined.

•    Intelligence. Twin studies have shown that general intelligence factor (traditional measures of IQ) are roughly 70% genetic. Intelligent people tend to have confidence in presenting their ideas and in their abilities.

•    Extroversion. Extroversion is a personality characteristic which tends to be a trait (inborn). Extroversion can help people to feel more comfortable and confident in interpersonal situations.

Part Two to follow soon……………..

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Interpersonal Skills for Successful Business Networking

March 7th, 2011

Successful networkers, like successful politicians, present themselves as charismatic, authentic leaders. Many networkers make the mistake of appearing needy and desperate (especially during tough economic times) so it is important to distinguish yourself as a confident leader who stands out and is memorable.

When you network as a leader, you draw people to you. Rather than others feeling like you’re promoting yourself, they will be curious about you and what you do and want to learn more.

Networking is your most important skill for your job search. Here are some of my tips for exceptional networking skills for in person and online networking as well as job interviews:

1)    Brand yourself. Pick one aspect of your work and make yourself an expert in it, such as “the woman who gracefully handles difficult customers”. This makes you invaluable and memorable.

2)    Ask questions and express genuine curiosity. You’ll attract others to you when you express interest, caring, and empathy for them and their work. According to the law of reciprocity, they will then want to learn more about you and align with you

3)    Speak in specifics. Market the results of your work by highlighting outcomes and data. This type of self-marketing delivers value without coming across as self-promotional.

4)    Tell stories. Stories engage others and make you memorable. Show your value by telling the success stories of your clients or customers.

5)    Be aware of body language. Body language speaks more powerfully than what you actually say. Smile, make eye contact, have an open body posture with your shoulders back, and gesture naturally.

6)    Invest in your appearance. Learn what colors, fabrics, and fits look best on you. Get a high-quality haircut. For women, get your makeup done. You will feel more confident which will come across to others.

If you are uncomfortable with your networking skills, remember that they will improve the more you put them to use. Start off by going to networking events that are less intimidating and work your way up to the intimidating ones. Practice your interpersonal skills in all situations, not just formal networking events, and you’ll probably find that you are a natural networker.

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Tricks to Getting Your Calls Returned

February 23rd, 2011

Anxious about making calls because you have to leave a message and then it doesn’t get returned?

Stop wasting your time and start leaving messages that are more likely to get a response. Here are some keys:

  • Be upbeat, energetic, and friendly. Whether you are leaving a voicemail or message with a receptionist, a cheerful and polite message is much more likely to be returned. A trick to sounding cheerful is smiling while you speak.
  • State your purpose up front. Make your message very clear and concise and say why you are calling right away.
  • Say what’s in it for them. For example “I am hiring a contractor for my house and would like to speak with you about a potential contract” or “I was impressed with your credentials and would like to speak with you about potential collaboration.”
  • Keep it quick. Don’t talk too fast but keep your message short and succinct. If it helps to write it out ahead of time to organize your thoughts, do so. I don’t recommend reading it because it can sound mechanical but organizing your ideas can be very helpful.
  • Talk loud enough and do not mumble. Nothing is more irritating than a soft, garbled message. Do not make this mistake.
  • Repeat your name and number twice. You want someone to call you back right away so you don’t get onto the bottom of their long “to do” list. If they do not hear your number and need to go back and listen again, you are less likely to be called.
  • Give a deadline. Say, “I need to make a decision by this Friday, so if you can call me back by Thursday afternoon, I will be able to consider you for the project.” Behavior is motivated by incentive and a time deadline is a strong incentive to call now.

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Tame Your Speaking Anxiety Gremlins – Guest Article – Anita C. Lee

February 10th, 2011

Are you an entrepreneur who wants to get your message out to more people? Maybe you’ve considered speaking to civic organizations and networking groups, but speaking anxiety is holding you back. If so, it’s time to tame the speaking anxiety gremlins.

I have a confession to make. When I was in school, I avoided taking speech classes. I was almost certain giving a speech was beyond my skill set, and it was definitely beyond my courage set.

So how did I get to the point of being able to put “speaker” on my business card? Why was I willing to step far out of my comfort zone to get training and learn how to communicate more effectively? And why do I now look forward to each opportunity to speak to groups of any size?

The transformation came when I learned to focus on the audience instead of myself. I realized I had valuable information to share with other people, and I was eager to contribute positively to their lives. You may have a similar desire.

As I’ve talked with coaching clients and other entrepreneurs over the years I have seen some common fears that keep them from public speaking. Some of these may resonate with you.

Fear #1. I’m afraid of what others will think. What if I make a mistake and look foolish?

Often we imagine that those listening to us are just waiting for us to make a mistake so they can criticize. But my experience tells me that this is usually not the case. Your audience is attending your presentation to gain information or to be inspired, not to judge your performance. They want you to succeed.
You will make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean your audience will turn on you. If you are well prepared and present your topic in an interesting way, listeners will overlook small gaffes. It simply means you are human.

Fear #2. I’m afraid something terrible will happen. What if I trip going across the stage?

If you listen to the stories award-winning professional speakers tell, you’ll soon understand that almost anything that can happen has already happened to someone before you—and they lived to tell about it.
Don’t talk yourself into being scared! Instead of imagining the worst, visualize yourself crossing the stage confidently, speaking with assurance, and accepting many accolades after you speak.

Fear #3. I’m afraid I’ll forget what I was going to say. What if I draw a blank in the middle of my speech?

It’s not necessary, or even advisable, to memorize your speech. (Nor is it usually effective to read it word for word.) It’s perfectly acceptable to speak from notes. I often create a speaking outline then color-code certain themes in my notes, so I can see at a glance what point I want to make next.

Fear #4. I’m afraid there will be technological problems. What if the microphone stops working or something else like that happens?

Recognize that from time to time there will be glitches, even in the best of venues. Many years ago I attended an event at a leading hotel in Atlanta where Martha Stewart was presenting a live program using two slide projectors. One projector stopped working and there was a bit of a delay until the technicians got it operating again. Then the program continued as if nothing had happened. Audiences are usually very forgiving and understanding when things happen beyond the speaker’s control.

Remember, public speaking is not brain surgery. If you make a mistake, no lives will be lost—not even yours! Relax in the knowledge that you are sharing your specialized expertise with those who will benefit from it. You may even find after awhile that you enjoy speaking to groups and that it has given you a wonderful opportunity to make a positive difference in the world.

Anita C. Lee, founder and CEO of Authentic Success, LLC, is a speaker, coach, and consultant who helps women entrepreneurs reach their greatest potential in their professional and personal lives. Author of The Authentic You: Becoming the Woman You Were Created to Be, Anita can be contacted through her website, http://www.anitaclee.com/

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Guest Testimonial

January 27th, 2011

“As a fairly shy person, who also happens to be a fairly new business owner, I sometimes still struggle with my fears of public speaking.

My saving grace has been my connection to Dr. Kase’s “End Speaking Anxiety” website.  Dr. Kase understands my fears but more importantly she provides useful & practical techniques to help me maneuver over those tricky speaking speed bumps!

I invite you to “Like” Dr. Kase’s Facebook business page at http://www.facebook.com/MarketingPsych to learn more about how she can help you overcome your speaking fears as well”.

Jackie Finch
Owner/Virtual Excellence

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